Discuss or Argue? Keeping Perspective.

I had a very interesting discussion the other day with some old friends of mine. We talked a few minutes about the recent sporting event and who won. Soon our discussion moved from sports to politics, like who would win the next election and of course some of the recently enacted policies, the economic impact, etc. My friends quickly became impassioned about their beliefs and the discussion moved from a gentle exchange of information to one of I’m right and you’re wrong. As they were chastising me for my obviously incorrect ways of thinking, I remembered what my father told me years ago:

 “Barry, never discuss politics or religion.”

This PodCast is not about politics or religion, but about how we settle our differences, be it political, social, religious or otherwise.

Let’s first take a good look at the differences between a Discussion and an Argument. To me, a Discussion is the free flowing exchange of ideas and information concerning an issue with a common goal of learning.

An Argument on the other hand is one sides attempt to force his or her beliefs and values of right and wrong upon another.

There are different phases or levels when you leave the Discussion and enter into the Argument phase. Let’s start with the first one:

• Your opponent insists that he is right and that you are wrong.

1. No one is always right in any topic. There is just too much information available. In fact, if you were to spend an entire lifetime researching one area of life, you will be wrong on certain issues. You have to be, because even if you were right back then, things are continually changing and what once was right yesterday could easily be wrong today. Years ago everyone told us that eating eggs were bad for us. Remember? Before that the experts told us that the Sun’s rays were bad and we should cover up completely, now they say we need at least some of the sun’s rays and maybe an egg or two to be healthy.
2. If you find that your opponent does not grant you credit or acquiesce to any of your statements, you have probably entered the first stage of a no-win argument.

     Stage 2 - Emotions start to run high

1. When the screaming starts and the fists hit the table you have entered stage two of a no-win argument. At this point, your opponent has all but exhausted his reasons of why you should think his way. Whenever you bring up a new reason that chips away at his “written-in-stone” point of view, he takes it as a verbal assault and not an invitation for more information on why he thinks the way he does. His usual response at this point is to continue to bring up old responses and that frustrates him because that is all he has left. Arguments generally gain traction when some or both people have strong beliefs that each has all the facts. Discussions on the other hand are when each individual recognizes that they do not have all the facts. Once you experience raised voices, it’s probably a good time to start your exit strategy which I will talk about in few minutes.

• Stage – 3  He questions the validity of your Sources but never his.

1. If you haven’t run yet, then you are in for a very uphill battle. Arguments are not about learning, they are about winning. If who you are arguing quotes from his sources, but ignores yours, he is only interested in beating you down until you accept his way as right and yours as wrong. You could quote directly for God Almighty and he would dismiss it. Usually what has happened is we tend to pigeon hole ourselves around what we want to believe. We tend toward listening to others who reinforce our points of view and with so much access to media coverage it isn’t that hard to do. I had a friend mine who once told me which television and radio stations I should watch and which ones I should avoid because of their social and political implications. This is the prime reason of Argumentation, the avoidance of listening to views that contradict your own. At this point all knowledge and learning cease, only frustration increases as you get angrier and angrier because everyone doesn’t see things correctly or more likely like you see them. 

•    Stage – 4  Repetition reinforces erroneous beliefs over the facts.

a.      The final stage of the Argument is when you hear your opponent repeat over and over again what he has said before. Whether or not you have challenged his statement makes no difference to the arguer. He has probably heard what he is saying multiple times and has come to believe it as fact. Had he researched it and came to a logical conclusion of why he has come to believe the way he does, he would only have to say it once, handle any objection and move on. But the one who repeatedly states an old belief does it because that is how he came to believe it. Repetition is dangerous, if you aren’t aware of it, you could fall into the same trap.

b. When you start to hear the same statements from different people, be careful not to let that sway your thinking. We all want to be accepted by our peers and friends, but not to the extent that we adopt our beliefs based on nothing but repetition. 

How to extricate yourself from a No-Win Argument.

·        Okay, you have noticed that he has not relinquished control on being right about everything. You are starting to get the feeling that you have entered stage one of the no-win argument scenario. It is a fine line at this point, because maybe he has some very valid facts that you were unaware of. He could be right and you could be incorrect in your assessment of the situation. So you could still be in the discussion phase, but then he becomes angry and his voice just got two octaves higher. Now you see that the discussion has turned from a friendly disagreement into a full-fledged argument and some how you have gotten yourself in the midst of it all. Your opponent has just finished implying how wrong and stupid you are, by calling you a Pollyanna or maybe a Cynic. You are getting mad and you are now going to show him who is stupid, but before you crawl into the mud pit with him. Take a breath and say to yourself. Okay, he isn’t going to listen to what I have to say. We have already moved past the “I’m right and you are wrong stage.” He is now trying to manipulate me into subservience by hurling verbal assaults. He basically saying, “You don’t want to appear dumb by arguing with me, now do you?’

a.      Take a step back. Think about what is going on. His ego is in full control at this point - and you know that one thing about people’s emotions is that they are contagious. When you meet someone in a good mood it usually makes you a little happier than before. If you encounter an uncontrolled ego, then your ego will rise to the occasion. “Oh yeah, think your smarter then me? Just watch this!”  Once you have been insulted, remember that it’s his fragile ego defending its weak point of view. This is probably the most important thing I am going to say. You have won at this point. Anything you say afterwards only weakens you and will more than likely drag you further down in to playing another round of the no-win argument game. You may find yourself throwing a few verbal insults his way and if he walks away then you’ve lost and later you’ll regret your impulsive behavior. Do, As you walk away from his verbal attacks, he will more than likely follow you in a feeble attempt to continue the argument. Don’t indulge him, if he makes more snide remarks or points, reply with maybe so and then keep walking. If he tries again, don’t do it. Finish by saying, “Your point is well taken.” Or “Yes I have heard what you said.”

• Well, you haven’t walked away yet and now he is telling you that what you have read and heard is all wrong and his sources are correct. You try using logic at this point and it falls on deaf ears or worse, he picks it apart, changes the meaning to the statement and turns it around in an effort to make you feel foolish and ignorant. You still want to prove your point and that is what is going to keep you in the no-win Argument game. The need to be right. Being right is highly prized in today's world. It started in School, if you answered correctly you were rewarded with grades and praises. If made the right decisions then you could improve your living standards and the respect of your friends and co-workers. So being right has a lot of history and no one wants to be wrong, why because that is associated with losing and no one wants to lose.
1. Remember -Opinions are just that – they are neither wrong nor right. They are just your conception of the limited facts available to you at this point in time. All you are expressing is an opinion. If your opponent chooses not to agree with your logic, your sources, your statement of facts that is his right. No matter what you think about what he believes, he has the same right to his beliefs as you have the same right to your beliefs. Be careful of thinking that what you believe is the right way. Most of the human tragedy that man has witnessed throughout history is due to that kind of thinking. Once you no longer have to prove to your opponent that you are right, you have taken all of your “skin-out-of-the-game” so to speak. With nothing invested, it makes it easier to leave, even if you are arguing in the minority, say you are being ganged up on because your believes differ from the crowd you are in. Is so ask these questions:

                                                               i.      Are they just repeating each others statements?

1.      If so, then you know their beliefs are probable the result of mindless repetition from someone or something.

                                                             ii.      Why is it so important for them to change my view?

1.      No one goes around at night and tells everyone that Sun is coming up tomorrow. We all know that to be true. If some says that the Sun will not come up tomorrow, do we try and convince them otherwise? No. Only if we are not sure of what we think is true do we try to strengthen it in numbers.

My father’s advice about not discussing politics and religion may not be such a bad idea after all, but I say do not argue politics or religion, because maybe I might learn something if I can discuss with it with others now and again.

Thank you,